Its not what you think! It's not about where to kiss or lick or rub or how hard or how fast. Its not about harder, longer erections (although those are also very nice!) A woman's body and her responses are so changeable. What pleased her last week does nothing for her tonight.

Many men learn about women's sexuality from pornography. I have nothing against pornography and I quite enjoy some pornography myself. But, the depiction of women's sexuality in pornography is simply not accurate. Many women compound this lack of information by expecting her man to know how to please her without telling him. You can encourage her to communicate with you. You can also learn to expand your consciousness so that you can sense what she desires without her telling you in words.

She needs is your full attention. She needs to trust that you are there with her with your complete presence. If your mind wanders to your car or your career or the bills due at the end of the month, she can feel it and she loses trust.

Improving your ability to please a woman is very like learning to play a musical instrument. It takes practice, patience and experience to make beautiful music. You master the basics before moving on to advanced techniques. Here are some good basic practices for you to start with. Learning to please a partner with Tantric teachings starts with practices you do by yourself. While pleasuring yourself, expand your attention to your entire body: your toes and fingers and top of your head and everything in between. When you can do this at the height of arousal, expand your consciousness to your entire body and to your surroundings, noise from the street, light in the room, air temperature, the bed against your back, the trees seen through the window. Next, do these consciousness practices with your partner. And, finally, expand your consciousness to your entire body, your surroundings and your partners body as she experiences being in it at each moment. If your mouth is on her breast, imagine how it feels to have a breast and feel someones mouth on it. When you master this expansion of consciousness, you will simply know without effort what she wants from you in any moment.

Send energy into her body with your mind.

Tantra teaches us that a man yearns to empty himself out and a woman yearns to be filled up. There are many ways to do this in addition to the physical sex act. You can penetrate a woman with your consciousness, your energy and your attention before or while you penetrate her with parts of your body. The practice in the above paragraph is one way to do this. As you expand your consciousness to include her body as she experiences being in it, you penetrate with your energy. She will feel the difference! She may not be aware of why, but she will feel more trust and connection. She will feel more alive. Another wonderful practice is to use your mind to send energy into her body through your fingers. Imagine that there is a fire in your hand (which there is!) and think about sending the warmth and light from that fire into her body.

And finally, be aware that a woman experiences her sexuality and emotions very differently from a man. I believe very strongly in letting men be men and letting women be women and celebrating the differences and the gifts that we bring to each other. But I also believe it is helpful to understand these differences. For a man, sex and love are very separate experiences. A man can learn to connect his heart and sexual energy if he wishes and there are benefits to this. For a woman, love and sex are much more naturally linked. When you take a woman in your arms, remember that she is experiencing that time with you with her heart as well as her sexual body.

This article was posted on February 20, 2006